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SERIOUS HISTORY
Most people are familiar with Serious Grip’s role in saving the planet from extinction; and their heroic role in saving the free world from enslavement by Neanderthals, but there is much more to their incredible story. Founded in 1983 by a consortium of the world’s greatest minds, Serious Grip & Electric has thrilled millions with it sensitive and bold improvements in the motion picture arts and sciences. Though many have tried to lure Serious into changing it’s focus to medicine, DNA research, or creation of a unified theory of physics the company remains committed to excellence in the practice of motion picture lighting and rigging, especially as it relates to the commercial television advertisement.
Stewart Stack was born around 1573-76. His birthplace and early circumstances have been speculated on by academics for decades. Contrary to the groundswell of popular opinion scholars insist he is almost certainly not the author of the plays of William Shakespeare. He first appears in recorded history as an assistant to Carvaggio, where he lit the setup for many of his best works, including The Calling of St. Matthew. It was through his association with the great masters of art, and his admiration of the way light played off the emerging form of the young Lucrecia Borgia that cemented Stewart's resolve to become a world-class gaffer. Stewart's talents were not fully realized in the 16th, 17th, 18th and 19th Centuries. During this time he worked at odd jobs and admired women who were able to keep their teeth. It was only through the clever administration of his pension funds from the assistants guild that he was able to amass his prodigious fortune which he on the 19th Century turned over to a non profit foundation to encourage the work of his many friends: Nikola Tesla, Thomas Edison, Carl Zeiss and others. These associations, as well as earlier relationships with people such Louis Fresnel and Thomas Young laid the groundwork to create the Motion Picture Industry that we know today.
Anne Brant Stack started life as a perfectly respectable young woman. She played the clarinet, attended her neighborhood church and twirled flaming batons for sporting events. Her hellish spiral began innocently enough, with a little sketching and drawing. Examination of some of her early textbooks by social historians have revealed doodling in the margins which may have led to more serious use of drawing pads and sketchbooks. Despite her frequent use of sketchbooks, Anne was still a productive member of society: life might have turned out differently if she had not’t turned to painting and sculpture. Inevitably, she ended up on a film set doing props and set dressing. Anne is now participating in a court ordered seven-step rehab program for recovering crew types, which allows her to continue her work with Serious as long as she sticks to handling the money.
Dan Stack was born Milton Shaw Jr in August of 1982, but showed an early affinity for cars and burger joints and moved over to the Stack family because he feared exercise and tofu poisoning. Dan was taken in by the red meat eating Stack clan & raised in the best tradition of working class values; but was sorrowfully disappointed when he realized that being the boss's son didn't mean squat to grips. He would apparently need to work for a living. He is currently trying to dodge this fate by attending an institution of higher learning, but he had a grip belt before he was 12, so his fate is probably sealed.
Ryan Gallo left a promising career with the NBA and has become Serious’ leading rebounder. Ryan originally teamed up with Serious in the hopes that he could improve his financial situation; but the burden of child support for his 114 kids has kept him from his dream. We applaud Ryan's decision to sell his Ferrarri Testarosa to pay $189,000.00 in child support, and tell him he looks good in his Plymouth Duster. Behind Ryan’s affable exterior is a steely hard manager who rules the shop at Serious with an iron fist. We love him, though, for his velvet glove. Ryan has a troubled past as a Washington insider, but we at Serious have formed a support group to help him come to terms with his past sins. We welcome him to his new career outside the beltway.
Mike O'Leary came to Serious directly from the breakup of the enormously popular singing duo Mike & Dave. It was Mike's decision to leave singing to pursue his passion for bold lighting & subtle camera movement. Galvanized by the breakup with his partner, Dave decided to leave the family studio equipment business and start his own band. He is doing quite well. Mike still sits in with the band and does vocals on Ants Marching. Look for their next appearance at the Garden. When not vacationing in the Cayman Islands, Mike is a valuable human asset to Serious Grip and adds needed sex appeal to our corporate image. Mike is currently working on developing a butt, and is expected to take the Dean Citroni award for most improved physical condition at the end of his first year with the company.
Matt Brennan brings a unique perspective to Serious, he comes from a world where grip and electric do not exist. Matt was born on the planet Xlflotz2. Since coming to Serious he has reorganized the gel rack and the lunch room to conform to the unified theory, and speeded up the collection of receivables though the practice of his gentle native form of mind control. The staff look forward to seeing the Xflot2ian dishes that he packs for lunch, and listening to the music from his planet. Be sure to give Matt a call and welcome him to Serious and the Earth.
Scott Perryman comes to Serious from a still, quiet place where people never move. Scott moved to Serious and hasn’t stopped moving since. Scott is a good fit to our massive R&D facilities where he is experimenting in 4th dimension camera placement by phase shifting through temporal modes and thereby using the power of the sun to move the camera in startling and insightful ways. He has also expressed interest in using DNA and stem cells to construct track for a fiber optic feature on the human reproductive system.
Many underestimate the role of faith in grip and electric. We have been privileged for some time now to have been in the presence of one of the great contemporary spirits of the modern motion picture stage. Jason has performed miracles before our very eyes. He has turned a simple piece of inch and a half X three and a half inch wood into a 2x4. He has run 2000 watts of 120 though a simple piece of 14/3. He has put 42" material on a 4x frame. It is rumored that he once he came back from lunch without the use of tobacco. We are humbled and grateful to have Him among us hope to evolve and grow in His presence.
We are thrilled to welcome Eric Metcalf, as our new director of inventory control. His vast experience in cataloguing the range of human and bovine emotions for the Wehawken Dairy Institute was heralded by cowboys and academics worldwide. He has come to Serious with a passion for wrestling with some of the most difficult issues facing grip and electric today, such as how one might get 10 pounds of shit in a 5 pound bag, and how it is that certain individuals contain more entropy in their karma than would be expected by common sense. We are honored to have Eric on the team and look forward to a better organized future.
After protracted internet negotiations, our attorneys, in consultation with the Serious brain trauma research unit, have crafted a compensation package adequate to persuade Scott Russell, formerly of Xtreme Incorporated to wear a helmet when he works. This compensation package, funded though a blind trust is made possible by ordinary citizen such as yourself and backed by the full faith and credit of the treasury of Uzbekistan. The addition of Scott to our staff allows Serious to add more kineticism to our setups, and rely more on the overhead approach without the use of expensive cranes and helicopters. We are pleased to have Scott working with us, and hope to have the halfpipe described in his contract completed as soon as funds are released by his eminence, the treasurer of Uzbekistan.
Andy Stack's brief but illustrious production career was cut short by the painful realization that 5 am calls were not consistent with gigging in music venues; so he settled into a day job in the bookkeeping division. Since joining the bookkeeping department, he has developed a unique bookkeeping style which has caused a buzz among critics and admirers alike. He has payables on the bass clef , receivables on the treble. His unconventional accounting method initially created a dissonance with the conventional financial canon, and the company's earnings modulated into a minor key. However, after a bit of improvisation and some thematic development, Andy's economic compositions resolved into a perfect authentic cadence with a Picardi Third.
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