SERIOUS HISTORY


SERIOUS @ WAR

Still photograph from unidentified location obtained through freedom of information act by researchers concerned with Serious' role in the secret wars to release faster film speeds.


Most people are familiar with Serious Grip's role in saving the planet from extinction, and their heroic role in saving the free world from enslavement by Neanderthals, but there is much more to their incredible story.

Founded in 1983 by a consortium of the world's greatest minds, Serious Grip & Electric has thrilled millions with it sensitive and bold improvements in the motion picture arts and sciences.

Though many have tried to lure Serious into changing its focus to medicine, DNA research, or creation of a unified theory of physics, the company remains committed to excellence in the practice of motion picture lighting and rigging, especially as it relates to the commercial television advertisement.


SERIOUS @ WHITE HOUSE

A Serious technician stops by after work to lobby the President regarding international standards for flicker free HMI ballasts.


Mole "Baby Tener" with an experimental tungsten lamp


Recent trends in ecology and energy independence have prompted the Serious team to seek out sustainable and more Earth-friendly methods of quartz-halogen lamp production. Our initial tests have been fruitful, and the first of our new organic 10K tungsten bulbs should be available for rental sometime around her first birthday.




Stewart Stack shortly after his escape


Stewart Stack was born around 1573-76. His birthplace and early circumstances have been speculated on by academics for decades. Contrary to the groundswell of popular opinion scholars insist he is almost certainly not the author of the plays of William Shakespeare. He first appears in recorded history as an assistant to Carvaggio, where he lit the setup for many of his best works, including The Calling of St. Matthew. It was through his association with the great masters of art, and his admiration of the way light played off the emerging form of the young Lucrecia Borgia that cemented Stewart's resolve to become a world-class gaffer. Stewart's talents were not fully realized in the 16th, 17th, 18th and 19th Centuries. During this time he worked at odd jobs and admired women who were able to keep their teeth. It was only through the clever administration of his pension funds from the assistants guild that he was able to amass his prodigious fortune which he on the 19th Century turned over to a non profit foundation to encourage the work of his many friends: Nikola Tesla, Thomas Edison, Carl Zeiss and others. These associations, as well as earlier relationships with people such Louis Fresnel and Thomas Young laid the groundwork to create the Motion Picture Industry that we know today.


Anne Brant Stack reacts to an invoice for a shipment of foamcore while an unidentified stalker looks on.


Anne Brant Stack started life as a perfectly respectable young woman. She played the clarinet, attended her neighborhood church and twirled flaming batons for sporting events. Her hellish spiral began innocently enough, with a little sketching and drawing. Examination of some of her early textbooks by social historians have revealed doodling in the margins which may have led to more serious use of drawing pads and sketchbooks. Despite her frequent use of sketchbooks, Anne was still a productive member of society: life might have turned out differently if she had not't turned to painting and sculpture. Inevitably, she ended up on a film set doing props and set dressing. Anne is now participating in a court ordered seven-step rehab program for recovering crew types, which allows her to continue her work with Serious as long as she sticks to handling the money.


Dan Stack, resplendent in his Gaffing Robe.



Dan Stack was born Milton Shaw Jr in August of 1982, but showed an early affinity for cars and burger joints and moved over to the Stack family because he feared exercise and tofu poisoning. Dan was taken in by the red meat eating Stack clan & raised in the best tradition of working class values, but was sorrowfully disappointed when he realized that being the boss's son didn't mean squat to grips. He would apparently need to work for a living. He tried to improve himself by attending an institution of higher learning, but he had a grip belt before he was 12, so he never had a chance.


Ryan Gallo, Serious Grip's leading rebounder.



Ryan Gallo left a promising career with the NBA and has become Serious' leading rebounder. Ryan originally teamed up with Serious in the hopes that he could improve his financial situation; but the burden of child support for his 114 kids has kept him from his dream. We applaud Ryan's decision to sell his Ferrarri Testarosa to pay $189,000.00 in child support, and tell him he looks good in his Plymouth Duster. Behind Ryan's affable exterior is a steely hard manager who rules the shop at Serious with an iron fist. We love him, though, for his velvet glove. Ryan has a troubled past as a Washington insider, but we at Serious have formed a support group to help him come to terms with his past sins. We welcome him to his new career outside the beltway.


Ben Vaeth-Levin



Most folks working on the crew side of the motion picture industry are, of course, familiar with the Vaeth-Levin series on diet and exercise for the modern grip or electric. We are proud to partner with Ben in his research into biorhythms on set. Ben has finally been able to regulate his heart and respiratory systems to well within a quarter of a cycle of 60 Hz. With a day's notice, he can switch to 50 Hz for PAL production. By achieving the proper biorhythm for the shoot, Ben is able to foster a stress free working environment for people working both above and below the line, resulting in lower budgets, better products and longer more enjoyable lunches. We are looking forward to a long, enjoyable and profitable association with this exceptional talent.


Pvt. Matthew Spencer (d. July 3, 1863)



Private Matthew Spencer was a Union casualty of Pickett's Charge on July 3, 1863. He took a lead ball at the Angle, after dispatching 5 Confederate infantrymen. As he held a bead on a 6th, he became a victim of friendly fire, as a rifleman to his 8 o'clock lost control of his weapon owing to factors including sudden impalement on a dull-but-insistent Confederate bayonet. Some of Spencer's immediate comrades, whose apparitions appear infrequently in the break room after midnight and before dawn, claim that it was Spencer's 5th confederate kill at the Angle that turned the tide of the battle.

When images of Pvt. Spencer started to appear in photographs taken around the shop, we initially thought we must have gotten some of Matthew Brady's secret Civil War era experimental 5247 film mistaken for recanned raw stock, but the apparition persisted into the digital age, so the Serious Board of Directors concluded that there was a phantom in our midst. The Board made contact through its long association with the dead Elvis, and Pvt. Spencer has of late taken on a fully quickened form, enabling him to handle equipment, collect payroll and benefits, and hold a Union card.


Zach Frederick



Zach “Deep Dish” Frederick comes to Serious from the distinguished international π institute. The Serious Human Resource Department was perplexed. Having heard the folks from π are squares, there was some concern about the suitability of the applicant. Zach has won us over with his skateboard stylings and incredible culinary skills. His ability to whip up a tasty π in the shop from the standard grip truck load list has fascinated us almost as much as his ability to light his creation and move the camera around it so skillfully as to make the viewer salivate and furiously crave one of his delicious deep dish πs.

Welcome and bon appitite.


Jena Richardson demonstrates her innovative light control system.

Using dual control tracks, a subsonic infrared backbeat, and an ultraviolet ultrasonic cymbal ride, Jena exercises astonishing command and control of the visual spectrum, while her relentless right foot HMI kick keeps the shop pumping along at a vigorous pace.

We are proud to have her with the band.


Regarded as old-fashioned and inefficient by many of the newer set lighting equipment fixtures, young tungsten fixtures like Mark Burchick are frequently picked on and bullied.

It's not easy growing up Tungsten.

Sired by a 12k Maxi Brute and a 4K Supersoft, Mark Burchick grew up alongside siblings Junior, Senior, Inkie, Mickey and "Deuce." His family had long been mired in a bitter feud with a family of HMI pars, and the community was nearly torn apart by top and bottom meat-axe cuts and prejudices. All along Mark secretly yearned to be HMI, fantasizing about playing outside in daylight, but he eventually came to appreciate the warmth of his own family.

We at Serious are proud of Mark for maintaining a strained-yet-cordial relationship with our HMI and LED fixtures with dignity and grace.


When work got slow last year the Serious Grip crew looked for alternate employment. We tried house painting and had a blast, but we were only able to get this one job.




ALUMNI

The Ascension of Jason of Duvatyne, Electrics 1:5-7,11-12

5. Therefore they that were come together, asked him, and said, Jason, at what hour shalt we returneth from lunch?
6. And Jason said unto them, It is for the 2nd AD to know the times of the lunches.
7. Lo, the 2nd AD spoke then saying, Back In. And they did grumble and there was much lighting of cigarettes.

11. Sayest Jason, Ye shall find me in the grip truck amongst the stingers and the speedrails. And there shalt my kingdom be swept and put away.
12. And when he had spoken these things, while they beheld, he stood on the lift gate and was taken up; and a puff of smoke received him out of their sight.

Matt Yake is the first personnel in the modern era to pass directly into the alumni classification at Serious Grip. While he is heralded for his exalted place in the Pantheon of Serious Alumni, his extraordinary stature in the shop passed without proper accreditation by the Serious Board of Directors. It was a failure of immense proportion. He was simply over their heads.

Lunch at the Serious campus is not to be taken lightly. Scott Russell became so enthralled at the daily pomp and circumstance of our noonday meal that he decided to bring its spirit to the working crew masses. Be sure to visit his crafty table when you're on set, and don't miss his 6K Par S'mores or Mole Fogger Smoked Salmon.

Scott Perryman left Serious for a featured role in American Pickers, but contract negotiations fell apart when he refused to dumb down his character for the Program. His unique style of scrapping, saving, and repurposing patches of light and shadow will be missed on the Serious Campus, but we are looking forward to his instructional video series on how to light and enjoy beer.

After years of kicking ass and taking names, Mike O'Leary finally developed 600 reasons for leaving Serious Grip. We hope he will keep us in mind.

Dave Stack is reuniting with the Shamans who were the spiritual ancestors of Serious in the pre-grip and electric era to explore and advise the National Park Service on Natural Sound and Light in a screen-free environment.

Mike Keelty has completed a successful tour of his native Ireland, where he showed the natives how to drink. He has perfected the art of lighting through feng shui & continues to command astonishing respect and regard for his feats in lighting and diplomacy.

Geoff Stack trekked though the far east in search of the perfect female form & has now returned to the States where he studied & now practices the art of dirt---Mother Earth in her many forms.

Jennifer Evans left us. She met a guy and her tastes changed. She grew tired of eight and a half minute old sunlight and the artificial stuff and grew fonder of billion year old starlight. We appreciate her point of view, but had a hard time convincing our clients that they should film by starlight with satin filters.

Marc Elzey and Vincent van Gough met on a time traveling excursion, and as you can see they hit it off. Marc and Vince have become blood brothers, and are currently collaborating on a groundbreaking new hip-hop impressionist album.


After his exile of more than a year in cyberspace, Mark Hutchings, aka Hutch, Mitch, and Sweet Thing has made amends with the global art community concerning his controversial venture into subspace conceptual plastic arts. He is currently experimenting with brilliant and provocative short films and is reportedly prepared to offer a line of edible film stocks to compliment the release of his edible shorts.

George Citroni has taken a trophy wife and is climbing the ladder in corporate America

Dean Citroni is a gigolo who sings kareoke in his precious spare time.

Chris Williamson operates a chain of nudist health clubs.

John Sigmon is considering a hostile takeover of Microsoft.

Paul Thomas has been named commander of the 1st Regiment British Regulars.

Geoff Royce is still trying to find his keys.

Trevor Kilgore is conducting time/motion studies at University of Chicago.

Peter Owen is an efficiency expert living in Key West.

Kathi Ash is continuing to multitask at multiple locations and has completed therapy for multiple personality disorder.

Steve Ericson is a trusted advisor to Allen Greenspan who enjoys frustrating telemarketers in his spare time.



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